Tag Archives: funny

Just When You Thought It Was Safe…

22 May

How To Find An Engineer

28 Apr

Mathematical Mechanics

7 Apr

Physics Pick-Up Line

2 Apr

Knitted Gnome Sodomy

1 Apr

This past week has been my birthday week, and full of awesome shenanigans as well as continuing packing and preparing for the move. My apartment is full of boxes, my tummy is full of microbrew and strawberry-rhubarb pie, and my brain is exploding with happiness.
But before I curl up in bed, I can’t resist sharing the wonderful presents I received tonight from my dear friend Margherita, who is a yarn genius and a connoisseur of cute.

Knowing that I am absolutely in love with blood, particularly red blood cells, she knit me a tiny RBC:

 I shall call him Eric the Erythrocyte!

She also made me 10 gnome minions!

I absolutely love gnomes!
They have beards, which I’ve always had a weakness for, and are kind of creepy, but in an cute way.
(Like me!)
When I was a teenager, while all the other girls dreamed of marriage and children, I dreamed of being a part of the Garden Gnome Liberation Front. (aka the Front pour la Libération des Nains de Jardin. The French are weird in an oddly lovable way, and fifteen-year-old me believed that stolen gnomes were essentially catnip for French people).

If you look closely, you’ll see that one of the gnomes (lower left) has a red beard.
Ginger gnome!
And another (lower right) is missing his shirt.
And one of the gnomes (on the very top) is completely nude.

Newton, The Nudist Gnome!
I plan to let him go skinny dipping in my sink.
Fortunately, his beard is long enough to allow for some modesty, though Margherita admitted that she was tempted to make him anatomically correct.

And two gnomes are engaging in what has to be the most adorable depiction of sodomy I’ve ever seen.
Gnome sex has never been so cute.
Which is really saying something, as tiny gnome sex is already pretty damn adorable.

Also, to top things off, she made me an itty bitty narwhal named Natalie:


One Day…

29 Mar

Today is my birthday!!!
Bring on the baubles ^_^

I Can’t Hear You…

28 Mar

Animal Testing

25 Mar

Seven Reasons You Should Reach Out To Every Person Ever

22 Mar

I found this post at Hello Giggles, written by the lovely Amanda Olsen.

1.)  We’re all alone well, kind of.  This sounds grim, but it’s not! There is a freedom in realizing and embracing the fact that at the end of the day you’re sitting in your own skin with your own thoughts and realities.  One of the most beautiful parts of being alive and continually pushed into the world is knowing that every single person on the planet also goes to bed in their own skin, with their own thoughts and realities.  Learning and exploring new people offers you the opportunity to change some wobbly realities you’ve created and equally allows you to challenge someone else’s.

2.)  Everyone wants to be loved. I believe this from the very bottom of my heart.  Some people spend whole lifetimes trying to deny themselves the magic and wonder of being loved.  The world is weird, man.  People are becoming increasingly disconnected from other people and I can only conclude that this is because of an underlying fear of really sharing ones self with another soul.  Its scary, but even if you open that door and subsequently have to shut it, I guarantee your heart is better for it.

3.)  People are really weird. Some of the most amazing and inspirational people I have ever met are also the weirdest.  The old saying “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” couldn’t be more true.  Some people who appear to be so transparent can sometimes end up being the most hidden.  And some of the most nondescript can end up being the most magical and unhinged.

4.)  You’re not better than anyone. This is not a race, y’all.  I had a crash course lesson in this when I was 16 years old.  Suddenly I realized that competing against the world at large would only bring me misery, and worse off, would be a complete waste of my precious time in this brilliant and bizarre world.  Quit comparing.  Quit hiding yourself.  There’s always someone who is more _______than you.  Find yourself and love the s**t out of it.  If you can’t- who will?

5.)  Mean people are just fearful. It’s hard to not return rudeness with rudeness.  I’ve slowly learned this since moving to the east coast.  But if she’s rude to you, and you’re rude to her where do you end up? Next time someone is mean to you or cruel, remind yourself that that person is just fighting a battle they haven’t overcome yet and that most likely, that s**t aint yours to bother with.  Let it go and it will let go of you.

6.)  Everyone’s a teacher. At some point you realize that you’re an eternal student. People all around you are here to show you something new.  Listen to other people.  When you are most convicted about your own beliefs it is a prime opportunity to step back for a moment, truly listen to the other side and work out whether or not you subscribe to their belief or sentiment. You’ve changed people’s minds about a lot of things, let them change yours.

7.)  Being tender and open is beautiful.  As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed.  Too sensitive.  Too mushy.  Too wishy washy. Blah blah.  Don’t let someone steal your tenderness.  Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart.  Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you- all of this is for you.  Take it and have gratitude.  Give it and feel love.

Band Aids for Every Lab

15 Mar

Every laboratory needs a box of these.

Every scientist knows that ninja fights, shark bites, pipette jousting, and dance offs are the top four causes of laboratory accidents.

Best. Chapstick. Ever.

9 Mar

So much yes.
Oh, Lady Amanda Nolan of Etsy, words cannot describe how much I love you right now.

Wedding Present

8 Mar

I found this sheer thing of squirrely beauty, and immediately had to show it one of my dearest friends, who is currently planning her wedding.

Me: “I think I should get you guys this as a wedding gift.”
Liz: “No! Words cannot express how much he and I don’t want squirrel lamps… upcycled or not.”
Me: ‎”What if they had a bird on them? Oooh, or were made of birds?!”
Liz: “No. Why on earth would you want to give a vegetarian couple a lamp made of dead squirrels?”
Me: “Because it’s hilarious.”

Some people simply can’t appreciate a perfectly good squirrel lamp. What else are we going to do with all our dead rodents? I bet they only mildly smell like road kill. Which is probably considered a redneck aphrodisiac in Georgia. And there’s two of them, so it’s a perfect his-and-hers wedding present.

After she so adamantly rejected the idea, I looked into purchasing them, because there is no such thing as taking a joke too far when it comes to taxidermy and electrical engineering.

The lamps are made by British artist Alex Randall. Unfortunately, they are priced at £820, which Google tells me is about $2054.82.
Which I currently do not have.

One day, Liz… one day.

My Party Dress Is Staying On (Under My Lab Coat)

4 Mar

And now, a public service announcement!

Attention, hipsters and music nerds of the world: Yes, my name is Allison. Yes, I know that Elvis Costello recorded a song titled “Alison” in 1977 for his first album. Yes, I know that Rolling Stone ranked it #318 of the 500 greatest songs ever. And yes, I know it is generally regarded as one of his top 10 best songs.
 And it annoys the hell out of me. Seriously.
I hate it.
I hate it so much.
All because of one simple lyric.

(This one)

There have been at least half a dozen occasions where men, upon learning my name, attempt to use it as a pick up line, always accompanied by a creepy leer. So if any of you jerkfaces dare ask me one more time if “your little friend can take off my party dress,” I will cut you.
I cut you with science.
In a fit of unmatched nerd-rage, I will throw all of my science textbooks at you, including my 4″ thick Mahon microbiology textbook.
And it will hurt.
You’ll probably cry.

(Or weep softly, if crying is too mainstream.)

My party dress is staying on, thank you very much, under my lab coat.
Because when it comes to science, the party never stops.

Why not talk about all his other work? I would love to talk about his other songs. Or, if you must make a nomenclature-based musical reference, why not bring up the song “Allison,” by The Pixies, which totally rocks references of planets and suns and distant stars. While it’s not the type of music usually I listen do, it does have the lyric “Keeps a smile around a while,” which I completely love because it reminds me to keep on smiling. And it is written about Mose Allison, a kick-ass blues singer who wrote a song entitled “Your Molecular Structure,” which rocks my sciencey socks off.

Oddly enough, Costello did a cover of “Your Molecular Structure” in a New York performance in late 2010. Which redeems him for the ridiculous Alison lyric. At least the man appreciates science-inspired love songs.

Mose Allison could calm the most volatile reaction of elemental sodium mixed with H2O with his soothing tunes.